I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
