I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
