i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
