dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
