I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
