Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
