This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
