Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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