yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Quick, to the slutcave!
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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