I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
