peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
