a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
false alarm, still single
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
