goodnight i made you a song goodbye
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
