They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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