you turned your livingroom into a bong?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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