I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
