if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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