Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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