I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
