I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
