If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
The Olympian is in my bed
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
