they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
