seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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