you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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