I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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