I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
