I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
