Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
