I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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