This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
