I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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