Swine flu is the new snow day.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
