worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
