life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
