I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
