I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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