Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
