You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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