i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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