I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
