I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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