dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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