The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Randomize
