god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
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