I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
