he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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