I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
