If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
