dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
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She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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