I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
