just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
