my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
