That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My life is pants optional.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
