I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
