When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
