I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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